Photo: Nicole Weingart/Bravo
I did not get it. I seriously, frankly, and arguably don’t understand what Shannon and Jenna are fighting for. They’ve met in an Aspen store, and they’re about to break into screaming because of what? Jenna doesn’t think Shannon wants to be her friend and Shannon thinks Jenna doesn’t want to be her friend. Yes, there are some indications of Jenna’s arrogance and that Shannon loves Nella more than Gina. There’s a lot about Shannon’s “core four” (which sounds like a 50% off version of 8 minutes) and how Jenna once said that she had no friends, but other than that, what is this mutual madness.
These are just two women who either don’t care or can’t figure out how to be friends. They both say they want to be friends, so what’s stopping them from doing that? no thing. This is a strange fight. It’s like two girls on the playground are crazy because another girl stole a Pop It or something.
But this is it. This is the battle. After a full 17 episodes where we started with Nicole, the girl with no face, we got a divorce with Noella and a vagina stack (or a pussy stack, as I call it), Renee and Jane were crazy and obvious together, and we’re left with two idled women to let their emotions cloud while Heather Dubrow pushes Too much for a leather jacket with pads. We are plunged into the depths as this same finish, truncated at the knees, drags across the finish line.
Everything in this episode is weird and disorganized, and I don’t like it a bit. The only sincere thing is when Gina wakes up with a hangover so bad that she thinks demons have given it to her. The day before, in the mines and on a ghost tour, Jenna had heard of Tommyknockers, which is not the name of the lead singer from the arm of a Mötley Crüe fan but Subterranean Demons that are basically genie-like but from England rather than Ireland. (This means not only that their food is somewhat worse, but that they are also the worst invaders.) Jenna decides the only way to get over her hangover and breakdown the night before, she said more word than James Charles in all of his apology videos.
Jenna’s solution is that she has to leave an offer to the Tomicknockers family. She and Emily go into the kitchen and get a butler’s help, a party planner’s assistant, a chef, a part-time oyster opener, and a guy just hanging out with a can of bear spray to make a little gift that snags those gnome-ass M-er F-ers that Gina wants to calm down. They left the basket in the mine, and Gina, who had just rid herself of her demons and dumped them in Emily’s car parked in front of her house, told them they couldn’t get a stay in her soul. What did they leave? A bottle of Veuve, a couple of diet cookies, some chocolate, and some healthy matcha dose of ginger. Yes, that is exactly what the spirits of dead miners want. Diet cola. Can Jenna put a steak and a beer pie, and a couple of pints of sea brew, bathe in lukewarm water, and a freshly bathed prostitute in a basket? Then the miners might already be happy and leave her alone.
As all of this sounds, the one thing more ridiculous is Noela, who’s back on the farm after being hit out of her chakras by a wellness coach who doubled down as the bluegrass singer the night before. Noella is crazier than Tommyknocker if she thinks all her problems can be cured with a little sage and some essential oils. Wait, has anyone ever met an unnecessary oil? Canola? grape seeds? Cod liver? Is this necessary?
The trip ends with a shopping fight between Jenna and Shannon, a poor dinner where the most eventful thing is some fans buy the female picks, they all congregate in a runner cart and Spirit fly home so they can get ready for Shannon’s Rack and Roll. A party where they plan to eat ribs and dress up like rock stars.
But first, Emily One Piece Simpson has to recreate her wedding photos, well, snails and mussels warm my heart. Her husband Shane never proposed to her and they married in Vegas, so they don’t have any wedding photos. Instead of renewing her vows, which come with a curse so powerful that Jenna couldn’t hold back by showing them even 12 cases of Diet Coke, Emily finally decided to take her wedding photos.
Seems like a stupid idea. You cannot bring the moment closer. You still won’t get any pictures from the actual ceremony. But it’s actually a really nice idea. She’s wearing an amazing dress with a robe that’s also a train, Shane and the kids are all dressed up, taking the amazing photos she wishes she’d had on her big day. This is basically like one of the old western photo booths at the State Fair but with thousands of dollars of loaned clothing and jewelry, several designers, and four very patient kids. This is Emily’s fantasy photoshoot, and I’m here for her. I already ordered the belts, the neon colored jockstraps, and the 18 ton cubes of candy that I will need for my photo session. Unfortunately, if anyone gave me three rings on my shoot, like Shane did to Emily, you wouldn’t want to know where I put them all.
At a rac ‘n’ roll party. I’m going to go out on one end and say this is the dumbest, dumbest, dumbest, bored, drowsy, softest, most illogical tip ever shown in Real Housewives a program. It even features a song by Richard Marks, who, while cool, isn’t Candy’s “No Scrubs” Poros. My number one problem with this party was that some of the ladies didn’t dress like rock stars. Gina as Gwen Stefani, Noella as Jimi Hendrix, and Emily as some rock-inspired babe are all fine. I don’t know what Shannon is wearing, but it gives me a rockstar. However, Dr. Jane comes in as Pamela Anderson, who isn’t even a rock star, she’s just Tommy Nucker. Her husband comes dressed as Tommy Lee, but you can’t tell because with his bad tattoos, a little beard, and a T-shirt (that’s what we call a dress that was associated with domestic violence), he looks more like Eminem.
The biggest problem is Heather Dubrow, who plays Posh Spice. First of all, you can’t go to Posh unless you have Becks, and there’s no way Terry Dubrow could dress like him, especially because he’s using this as an opportunity to wear one of his 1,783 leather jackets. He has more cowhide in his wardrobe than Nixon pills ( As my mother says. Posh Spice is not a rock star. She is a pop singer. Even worse, she’s part of a girl group. You don’t go as a single Spice girl. you have to get Everyone To go like the Spice Girls, and even then, it’s not rock ‘n’ roll. Can I can buy it if it’s a girl from Robert Palmer. Can. But we know Heather just wanted to stay on topic and wear a nice dress and couldn’t be bothered.
Nothing is going on at this party, not even anything funny. They go around the table and everyone gets the little title card at the end of the season and we learn nothing new and then we get a performance of a song I hope Richard Marx wins an Emmy because it wasn’t bad even though it looked like some Tommys were kicking him out of these women Their shoes were stained with mines. Then that’s it. This is the episode. We don’t see any reaction. We don’t see any applause. We see nothing, just a strange ending to a strange year that was full of action and faded like a bottle rocket that lost its will to life.